Category Archives: Blog

Stress: A Second Look at Public Enemy Number One

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Stree: Public Enemy No. 1

These days, stress seems to have attained the special honor of being named society’s Public Enemy Number One. It causes unhealthy weight gain, high blood pressure, prevents the body from repairing and regenerating, prevents a good night sleep, and has other negative effects besides. For many people, life has ended up being a story with two possible outcomes: either they find a way to live a stress free life and end up happy, or they don’t and never get a chance to enjoy their lives. But what if I told you that stress plays an important, even vital, role in helping you live your fullest life?

Stress, Yes…But What Kind?

This has been a subject of much scrutiny in the scientific world. Psychologists, physiologists and athletes have all done vast amounts of research on stress and how it effects people, how to cope with it, and how it can be used to our benefit. One of the important things to understand here is that there is more than one kind. Some do more harm than good, but you are ultimately in charge of whether or not something is going to benefit you. What I want to do here is give you the knowledge that you need in order to make stress of any kind work for you.

“Good Stress”

Lets start with eustress. Eustress is what you experience from an exciting situation, that puts spark in your life and makes you feel good and alive. Roller coaster rides, scary movies, adventures and things of that nature are examples of eustress. Its easy to see how this kind of stress is beneficial, so make the most of it when you can.

Acute Stress

Acute stress is another kind of stress that is experienced naturally throughout life. This kind is a reaction to a surprise that needs a quick response. For instance, someone jumps out and scares you and you either punch them, freeze, or run for your life. It is one of the least damaging types which is good because we encounter it regularly. It occurs when you encounter a perceived threat, either physical, emotional or psychological. Under normal circumstances, once the “threat” is dealt with, the stress response goes away and everything resolves itself in your mind and body.

“Bad Stress”

Chronic Stress is where it gets juicy. This is the kind that causes the weight gain, the insomnia, the weakened immune system, physical pain, and mental exhaustion. Chronic stress, as the name suggests, is a state of constant stress. Repeatedly facing stressors that seem inescapable or unchangeable is what causes this. Having a job that you hate, or a home life that drains you are examples of chronic stressors. This is probably the most damaging kind of stress.

Hormesis

Hormesis is most closely associated with exercise. This is what occurs when you put stress on your body and it responds by becoming more resilient. This is the kingpin to the point I want to make here. A hormesis like response can take place with any of the above mentioned stressors. Your mind and body can adapt and overcome the stressors they encounter. In fact, it WILL adapt, and develop its own ways of coping with whatever stress it is facing.

Unlike with hormesis, however, the adaptation may not produce resilience unless you step in and choose what kinds of coping mechanisms and defenses to put in place. Your mind and body, on their own, will tend to choose the path of least resistance, and that may not be the most beneficial path. For instance, with chronic stress you may end up with a drinking habit, or abusing your family and friends in a subconscious effort to deflect and numb yourself to the stress you are encountering. That’s part of the power of self mastery. Not only can you choose healthier coping mechanisms, you can choose ones that actually make your stronger and more resilient.

A Warrior in a Garden

So…wouldn’t it still be better to eradicate stress from my life entirely, instead of learning how to work around it? My argument would be “no”. You can never create a life that is completely stress free because there will always be circumstances that you cannot control, and they vastly outnumber the ones you can control. In order to live your fullest life, you have to get good at managing stress, and not only that, but turn it into a springboard that will launch you into success and fulfillment. Better to become someone who uses stress to become strong than merely learn to manage it, let alone just hope that you can turn your life into a stress-less one. “It is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war.”

Make Stress an Asset

Alrighty, brass tacks. How can you make stress an asset? First, understand that humans really only grow and develop through adversity. Stop thinking of everything that is giving you a hard time as being “bad”. Every time you feel stressed out, it is an opportunity to practice self mastery, and get to know yourself better. Take an objective look at what’s going on, and simply accept it. It’s not bad, it just is. Use the mindfulness techniques that you’ve hopefully been practicing. Maybe do a little introspection. Every chance you get to know yourself better is gold. Here is a good Health Line article about the benefits of stress. Multiple views are always good!

“Search Your Feelings”

Second, know that stress is an indicator. It’s there for a reason. Pay attention to your feelings and emotions and figure out exactly what they are telling you. What exactly is stressing you? Why is it stressing you? What are you going to do about it? You don’t have to sit there and take the punches; you can fight back, or step out of the ring, or whatever you want to do. It’s your life, and you don’t need to be hemmed in by the imaginary fences that people tell you you need to be hemmed in by.

Take Action

Start brainstorming and strategizing; talk to the people in your life who are key individuals in the circumstances that are stressing you. Your boss if work is stressing you, or your spouse if it’s your home life. If you aren’t hearing it yet…take action. Get a life coach to help you get things sorted and start moving toward a more fulfilling life. You can even drop me a note here or on social media and I can be that coach for you.

Don’t be Hatin’

Every time you experience chronic stress, you’ve been given a chance to upgrade your life. It may not be easy, and it may require sacrifice, but you can effect changes that will make you stronger and your life more fulfilling. Don’t hate the stress, and don’t fear it…use it.

The Power of Freedom through Self Mastery!

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Freedom or License

Freedom is an oft’ misunderstood concept, especially in the USA, where I live. It seems like most people understand “freedom” to mean that they can do whatever they want without consequences. They can say something, because they have the freedom of speech, and no one can do anything to retaliate to what they say. If they have a right to do something, then there is no right or wrong time to do it.

What is Freedom

I disagree with that position, both on when it is appropriate to exercise a freedom or right, and what freedom actually means. Freedom is having the ability to do, think, or say what you want, without hindrance. Two things can keep someone from being free: the laws of the State they live in, and their own capabilities. One of those things is circumstantial, the other is everything to do with you, and that is what we are responsible for day to day. I also want to say that I think that no one should be subject to their circumstances. To keep things relatively simple though, I’m only going to discuss what you can do with your own self.

Self Mastery

True freedom means that you must be the master of yourself. If you don’t, then you can only do what your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self will allow, and that will put a cap on your full potential. Neither you nor your family, nor the world can afford that! True freedom requires self mastery, self mastery requires you to “know thyself”, knowing thyself isn’t possible without knowing how to listen to yourself, and mindfulness is how you listen to and get to know yourself.

Physical Self Mastery

I’ve already written about mindfulness, so I want to write an overview of the 4 aspects of the self. First, and most obvious, is your physical body. Mastery of your body means making sure that your body is fit and functional and able to perform as you wish it to, inasmuch as you are capable. Do you want to be able to play and wrestle with your children, hike and climb, participate in martial arts, feel your best, live a long time and feel good all the while? This is where mastery of your physical self comes into play. Don’t let your body be a cage, it is meant to be a vehicle. Some things you can do begin mastering your physical self:

  • Eat right. Your diet is the determining factor for how far you can go with your physical and mental health
  • Exercise. Your body was made to move, so move it!
  • Practice good hygiene. Being clean is important for health, not just for appearances sake.
  • Stretch. Your level of flexibility is a real limiter on how useful your body is to you. Make sure you can use its full range of motion!

Mental Self Mastery

The second aspect of yourself is your mind, your intellectual self. Mastery of your mind means keeping it sharp and able to problem solve, think critically, and remember things. Brain function is vital if you want to live your fullest life. Without the ability to use your mind effectively, you cannot plan and build the life you want. Learning strategy, time management, planning, and having the ability to learn well makes you more valuable to yourself, and gives you the ability to not only be free, but stay free. Here are some things you can do to sharpen your mind.

  • Eat right. Your brain health is just as dependent on the food you eat, as it is on exercising it.
  • Play brain games. Your brain is like a muscle, if you use it and practice with it, it will grow and get stronger.
  • Meditate. By now, it is common knowledge that meditating is one of the best things you can do for your mental and emotional health.
  • Continue education. There is never a reason to stop learning. There are countless free college courses online, books to read, and websites dedicated educating the masses for free. Your brain likes this.

Emotional Self Mastery

Your emotions are the next part of yourself that requires you to master it in order to be truly free. Emotions are important, they give you valuable information on what is going on around and within you, and sometimes even what is going on around and within other people. But as helpful as emotions are, people tend to be enslaved by them instead of using them to their benefit.

Many people helplessly and thoughtlessly react to what they feel instead of evaluating the emotion and thinking through the best way to respond to it. This leads to your emotional life being hectic and confusing instead of peaceful and enlightening. Aside from learning how to respond healthily to your emotions, you can also learn to cultivate emotions that are happier and more peaceful. You can choose how to feel about the things that happen to you. Some ways to begin mastering your emotions:

  • Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness helps you to take a step back and observe yourself and your feelings without passing judgment or reacting too quickly. It also creates a general attitude of peacefulness which is helpful when experience volatile emotions.
  • Keep the other three aspects of yourself in check. If you are out of control of yourself, your emotions will go a little (or a lot) crazy. If you want your emotions to be well balanced, then all of you needs to be well balanced.
  • Cultivate healthy emotions. Train yourself to respond differently to situations that normally antagonize you.
  • Take time to really listen to your feelings when they arise. Learn to understand them. What exactly are you feeling? Why are you feeling this way? What does that mean about you?

Spiritual Self Mastery

Finally your spiritual self. Mastery of your spiritual self means keeping yourself clean inside. Do not do things that damage your conscience. Practice kindness and compassion, be honest and truthful even to your own hurt. Develop your own rules for life, some people call this a code, or their principles, and stick to them. If you are struggling against your nature, or constantly doing things that make you feel bad, how can you say that you are free? If you are religious or have deeper, mystical ideals of spirituality, as I do, then don’t neglect that aspect of your spiritual self either. Here are a few ways to master your spiritual self:

  • Honor your conscience. If it feels wrong, learn why, and if it holds up, then don’t do it.
  • Be truthful and honest. Freedom cannot be found in lies.
  • Practice kindness and compassion. If you cannot be kind or compassionate, then you are a slave to some darker side of yourself.
  • Feed the spiritual side of yourself. If your faith requires prayer, then pray. Immerse yourself in your spiritual life.

True Freedom

These four aspects of yourself determine how free you truly are. Become the master of each of them, and that is true freedom. It’s a never ending process, so it’s ok to start small and gain momentum over time. Just begin to work on one aspect, and you’ll notice that each aspect helps the others. If your work on your mental self, it will be easier to master the other 3 etc… It is hard work, but what is more valuable than your freedom?

Work/Life Balance for Health and Wealth

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Grind, Grind, Grind

We’ve all heard about how important it is to grind, grind, grind, no days off, and all of that. If you want to live your fullest life, there is some truth to that. But should there be a balance between hard work, and rest and relaxation? Or should your whole life be one big push to the finish line…wherever and whenever that is?

Burn Out

Burn out is a real danger, and if you don’t take the time to rest, reset and re-calibrate it will definitely happen to you. I have been there, and it is a progress killer. In the end I was running full steam ahead on my side projects and side hustles for months at a time, but I was making no progress, I was becoming temperamental and easily frustrated. At some point I couldn’t get anything done and eventually everything simply ground to a halt. Funny thing, after I decided to take an indefinite siesta from my side hustles, my mood improved. My mental clarity returned, along with my motivation, and many mental blocks that I’d been beating my head against for several weeks deteriorated. I decided that I would get back on the proverbial horse, but I would not sacrifice my mental health in the process.

That decision seems to have made all the difference. I don’t work at a break neck pace and I still take enough time off to remember that I have things to enjoy, yet I am making far more progress. The “work hard now, relax later” mentality can be taken to a very detrimental extreme. I the end, you will not be able to relax at all, you will have just worked your life away.

Now that I’ve talked about how important it is to not overload yourself, I want to also make it clear that this isn’t an excuse to not push forward just because you don’t want to or because it makes you feel stressed. Stress is something to overcome, not necessarily shy away from. It is actually good for people to subject themselves to some stressors in life.

Time Off

What you want to do instead, is schedule your time off. I make sure that I have one day a week that I don’t work on my business life. Sometimes I’m a bit lax about it though, depending on how I feel. I might knock out a simple item because I want to, not because I feel like I have to. Just knowing that I have a day off coming every week helps lower my stress levels. It gives me the ability to focus on the task at hand instead of wondering when this work cycle will end.

Create a Life Vision

Another vital change that I made that makes me more productive and much less stressed, is that I created a life vision for myself. Part of my problem before, was that I was making goals but I didn’t have an overall plan. I ended up wasting a lot of time and energy throwing ideas at my life hoping something would stick, instead of knowing exactly where I want to end up, and referencing that vision for what plans and ideas would be the most effective, and which are just going to delay me or take me off course.

“All work and no play…”

It is hard, relentless and uncomfortable work going from where you are to where you want to be. Thoughtful planning and foresight combined with hard work and dedication is going to take you much farther than just hard work will. But if you want maximum efficiency, add in a rest day so that you life doesn’t become a chore. After all, “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. You might get there with just hard work…but why would you want to? Take these steps to help you work better and not wear out.

  • Make a life vision and use it to guide what you work on
  • Ensure that you have time for R&R scheduled for yourself
  • Don’t make excuses for yourself, even though you are giving yourself the rest you need to not burn out.

Here is a good article about burnout. It covers more symptoms and strategies for those who are interested.

Keep on crushing your goals, don’t give up, and make sure you are taking care of yourselves along the way!

The Might and Majesty of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

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Why Mindfulness

A mindfulness practice is one of the most beneficial things that someone could develop in their lives. In my own experience it has been an excellent foundation upon which I have been able to build many other skill related to self mastery. Introspection, combating anxiety and depression, and controlling volatile emotions such as anger and envy, to name a few. It is also good in and of itself. It brings more enjoyment to the little things in life. If you struggle to “smell the roses” along the way, a mindfulness practice will help with that too.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the art of being fully present in the present moment. The ability to notice everything going on around and within you without passing judgment on it. I think many people associate mindfulness with sitting and meditating, and that is definitely one way to do it, and probably the method I would recommend for someone to start practicing, but the important thing about a mindfulness practice, and what makes it so powerful and useful, is that it can be done anywhere at anytime, no matter the situation.

For a deep dive into mindfulness as it relates to positive psychology, take a look at this in depth article by positivepsychology.com

How to Do It

If you have never practiced mindfulness, I suggest dedicating between 5 and 10 minutes to sit and practice every day until until you can make it a whole 10 minutes comfortably. In my own experience, I find that it is extremely easy to lose track of time. I recommend that you set a timer with a pleasant sound to let you know when your time is up. For your first few times, try this method.

  • Sit comfortably with your eyes closed in a quiet room by yourself
  • Breath in slowly and comfortably through your nose, and out through your mouth, lips slightly pursed
  • Follow your breath as it enters your nose, feel it on the inside of nostrils, as it hits the back of your, as it travels down your into your lungs
  • Feel your lungs expanding, and imagine your breath filling your with life
  • Now follow your breath back out your mouth
  • Imagine that your are expelling stagnant air that has been replaced with fresh life giving air
  • Keep this up for 10 breaths or so
  • Now start to expand your attention to your experiences
  • How are you feeling? Then acknowledge those feeling, without judging them as good or bad
  • Now pay attention to the parts of your body that are in contact with the ground and/or your chair, notice the weight distribution, how they feel, and try to release any tension in these areas
  • Feel the air on your skin. Even in a still, quiet room, the air is always moving no matter how gently. Try to feel that movement.
  • Start listening. First pay attention to sounds in the room, then outside the room, then outside the house and as far as you can hear. Once you’ve noticed as much sound as you can, try to listen to each of those sounds at the same time. Don’t try too hard though, you’re simply trying to expand your awareness and ground yourself in the present moment. If you get distracted or irritated, just go back to your breath, follow it in and out again.
  • Eventually, try to hear everything, feel everything, and notice your feelings with equal attention. Even if you can just achieve that for a fraction of a second, then go back to your breath. The goal is to try to maintain that attention for as long as possible, but without undue stress. If its stressing you, or frustrating you, then just go back to your breath.

Remember that the act of practicing is the success. How far you get, and how long you can maintain your attention is all secondary.

The “Monkey Mind”

The biggest struggle that you are likely to encounter is taming the “monkey mind”. The monkey mind refers to an undisciplined mind whose thoughts run rampant and unchecked, causing distractions and making mindfulness difficult. This is where everyone starts, so don’t get discouraged if you just cannot calm down your mind. Just stop, smile, and try again later! Ideally, we could sit and focus only on what we are experiencing in the exact moment we exist in. Our minds, however, are easily distracted, and the modern world we live in is literally designed to keep us focused on something new every second.

Effort is the Enemy

So what happens when we try to simply exist in the present moment and not think about anything but our current experience? Our mind thinks about the past, worries about the future, tries to problem solve, or just daydreams. That is why, the fundamental rule for mindfulness meditation is to focus on our breath. If thoughts get overwhelming and a simple acknowledgment doesn’t calm them down, focus back on your breath. If it gets too frustrating, simply call it for the day and try again tomorrow! Effort is the enemy of meditation. Don’t force anything.

Casual Mindfulness Everyday

As you get better at your mindfulness practice, you will be able to do it while working, while having a conversation, driving to work or being stuck in traffic or anytime where you need to ground yourself and get control of your thoughts and emotions. For instance, something happens that makes you angry. Before you react, acknowledge the feeling and let it pass. Realize that you exist beyond your feelings, and that the action that caused your emotional reaction is already in the past, and the present moment is a whole new experience. Most of human experience is reactionary, but a mindfulness practice helps you master yourself and make deliberate choices, instead of simply being a slave to your gut reaction.

Go forth, and be present!

Self Development Might be Ruining You. Make Sure It’s Not!

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Discovery and Practice

Here you are, reading and learning to better yourself. Good on you! Now, exactly how are you applying what you are reading? What changes have you made in your life, based on what you’ve learned about self development? For many of us, it’s easy to read excellent books, listen to amazing podcasts, and discover powerful, life changing tactics. The problem is, we seldom get further than the discovery phase.

I can read something, and just because I now possess that knowledge, I think that I have a handle on its application. This isn’t just a harmless miscalculation. Undermining the importance of putting self development practices into action makes us feel more secure than we are.

“How far have I come?”

As we go along learning and thinking that we are changing, eventually we’ll look at our lives and ask, “How far have I come since I started?” Then we realize… I am still sleeping in every day, I still don’t consistently work out, I still eat food that I shouldn’t, I still have that same attitude problem etc… The next thought is either, “this self development stuff is a sham, it doesn’t work”, or we start justifying being the worst versions of ourselves. Or, even worse, we turn against ourselves. We start condemning ourselves for being too stupid, too lazy, too anything. and then we begin the decent into depression and self loathing.

So, why do we default to learning without doing? It seems like the motivation is there, we’re excited about it, we want to improve ourselves, so what happens?

Habits, habits, habits…

Habit forming is a notoriously difficult task. Usually we not only have to build a good habit, but we also have to break an old habit. Sometimes we have to break more than one old habit, just to get one good habit made! Humans, by default, take the path of least resistance. Coincidentally, that is where we’ll find most of our bad habits hanging out. Good habits are almost always going to be things that go against our energy efficient (lazy) nature. They also take something like 3 whole weeks of consistent practice to solidify. So we are already running into time commitment issues, being forced out of our comfort zones, and doing harder things than we want to do in an already stressed out life.

One Step at a Time

One habit is relatively simple to take on. What derails a lot of people is trying to tackle multiple large habits at once! Instead of trying to change your diet, start cold showering, work out, read before bed, and build a morning routine all at once…just start with one thing and master that. Then move on. Life isn’t a race. It’s important to give ourselves grace as we go about changing our lives. Otherwise we’ll hit a wall and burn out. As long as you are even 1% better today than you were yesterday, then you are improving! And really, what’s the hurry? No one is ever going to be the perfect human, so why rush to an unreachable destination? Be patient with yourself, even if no one else is.

For more on habit formation and how to break old habits, check out this article from Psychology Today!

Patience, My Friends

Remember, it really is more about the journey than the destination. The road is where all the lessons live. So, work hard and smart, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and be kind to yourself. Patience is the secret to improvement.

The Life Changing Power of Creating a Life Vision

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Life Changing

Do you struggle with staying motivated, keeping on track, and remembering why you are doing what you are doing? Maybe you have been feeling like there’s got to be more to life, but you don’t know where to find it. Or perhaps you’re just confused and frustrated with your present situation, and need a road map out. I’ve been there, I was there for a long time, and creating a Life Vision is what got me away from those feeling and struggles. It can do the same for you!

What is a Life Vision?

A life vision is your own personal vision for what you want your life to be like. It is extremely detailed and specific and it is something that must be written down so that you can review it regularly. You cannot be too specific with it. The more details you add when creating a life vision, the more excited and emotionally invested you are and the more influential it will be. Keep in mind that as you develop yourself and learn new things, your values, principles and desires will change. Make sure that you keep your life vision up to date as these changes occur.

How Does a Life Vision Help Me?

Creating a Life Vision is incredibly useful, because it acts as a sort of mental map that you can pull out and look at when you’re not sure which way to go. For instance, if you know exactly where you want to be in life, then it becomes much easier to stay focused and not get run off course by daily distractions or by the fog of time. It’s also extremely helpful in making big decisions like career moves, living situations, big purchases, marriage, kids, going to school and for what, etc…

Life Vision with a Relationship

If you are married or in a relationship, I definitely suggest that you and your partner both do this separately, and then compare notes. Your life visions will not be the same, and you will both have to make some compromises in order for you both to have a fulfilling life vision together. The difference in your life visions does not mean that you are not compatible or that you need to break up! It simply means that you need to work together to create a life vision that works for both of you. Having a professional third party may help this process for couples.

Basic Guidelines

Here is a very condensed summary of what to do to develop a life vision which you can use for reference when you create your life vision. I will write a walk through after this list for more examples of what to think about and for you to follow along with.

  1. Go someplace comfortable, quiet, and alone with something to write with
  2. Spend 3-5 minutes meditating and clearing your mind, getting in touch with yourself
  3. Imagine your perfect day from the instant you wake up till you fall asleep, in as much detail as possible.
  4. Keep it realistic, but also remember that there are people out there who are building and designing rockets, or are multi millionaires, or own their own private islands, and someone has to figure out how to make humanity interplanetary…why not you?
  5. Imagine your dream relationships with parents, friends, your husband or wife etc…
  6. How much money are you making every year?
  7. What does “work” look like for you? Hint: if it doesn’t excite you, it doesn’t belong in your life vision
  8. Where are you living?
  9. How do you feel, physically, mentally, emotionally?
  10. What do you do for fun in your spare time?

Create Your Life Vision

As I said before, these are some guidelines for what to think about when you create your life vision. Next, I’m going write out an example of someone creating a Life Vision, that you can follow along with. Do not judge the “what”, just write it down and research the “how” later. So, after meditating:

Morning

You wake up, and open your eyes. Are you turning off an alarm, waking up naturally, or something else? Are you next to someone in bed, or are you by yourself? What time is it when you wake up? How do you feel, physically, mentally, emotionally? What does your bedroom look like? How is the lighting? What can you see out your bedroom windows, what color are the walls, how high is the ceiling etc…? What is the first thing you do when you wake up? Make coffee, pray, read, write, meditate, work out, have sex, or something else? What do you wear, if anything, when you get out of bed?

When you walk out of your bedroom, what do you see? What does your house look like? How big is it, color scheme, furnishings, lighting etc… Imagine every room in your house this way and write it out. How many bedrooms, bathrooms, studies, secret rooms etc… does it have a basement, an attic? Do you have kids? How many? Do you eat breakfast? What do you eat if so? What do you drink? Are you eating with someone? What does your dishware look like? How do you clean up breakfast? By hand, dishwasher, have you hired someone to cook and clean etc…? What do you do after breakfast, or in place of breakfast, if you don’t eat breakfast?

Mid Day

When does “work” start, whatever that means for you? What are you doing? Where are you doing it? Who are you doing it with? Why are you doing it? What is your afternoon like? The weather? Lunch? Where are you eating? What are you eating? Who are you eating with? What else do you do with your afternoon if it isn’t all work? After work, are you already home or are you coming home? What are you driving?

Evening

What time is it when you’re coming home? You’re approaching your house, what do you see? A lot? A farm? Acreage? Neighbors nearby, or no one near by? Where is your house in relation to the town or city you live in or near? Are you coming home to someone? If so, who? How do you feel as you walk in your home at the end of the day, or if you have been home all day, how do you feel at the end of work? Physically, mentally, emotionally? When, what, where and who with is dinner? Are you going out for dinner? Making it? Having it made for you at home?

Night

After dinner, what happens? How do you spend your evening and with who? Staying in? Going out? After your evening time, you’re getting ready for bed? What time is it? What is your bedtime routine? You get into bed, what kind of bed is it? How big is it etc… Are you going to bed with someone? Do you do anything in bed before sleep? Reading, journaling, sex, recapping the day? Right before you close your eyes, how do you feel? Physically, mentally, emotionally? Then sleep. All night? Dreams?

Refine and Plan

Now that you’ve done that, go back over what you’ve written, refine it and make any changes you want. Now, start figuring out what kinds of things need to happen for you to make this vision a reality!

For a little extra reading, this is a good article giving some more perspective on Life Visions, why they’re important, and another take on how to create one. Enjoy!

Aaaaand ACTION!

Now you know exactly where you want to be! So now you can plan your route accordingly, and make choices in your daily life that are going to get you there, and learn to simply say “no” to the things that are going to take you in a different direction. And remember, the journey is part of the fun, so don’t get bogged down thinking about how far you have to go, or how much work its going to take. Think about how much you are going to learn and change as you go. Good luck, and Godspeed!

The Powerful Secret for Men to Rescuing your Relationship

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What’s the Issue?

Guys, if your lady is always getting on your nerves and doing things that frustrate you; if she no longer responds well to your romantic gestures or if she seem unappreciative of your hard work and sacrifice; or if you are losing her and don’t know how to get her back, and your relationship seems broken beyond repair, then this article is for YOU! Since this is such a painful and prolific issue being faced by millions of men, I will get straight to the point. The problem is you. Yep, you! Now, I’m sure this is gonna make a lot of men angry right off the bat, but I urge you to keep reading. This article could be life changing for you, and likely for your family as well.

Taking Responsibility

Marital and relationship problems have a variety of starting points, but almost all of them have a very simple “turn around” point: when one person takes ownership for their relationship and starts to work on the things that they can control. Your significant other, is not, I repeat, is not, one of those things you can control. So that leaves just you that you need to work on. And since you are the man in your relationship, you are the one that the responsibility falls on to start making a change.

It Starts with You

If you want to fix your relationship, it starts with you. Women tend to be highly responsive, and they will respond to the person that you are. Take a long hard look in the mirror fellas. What do you see? Are you angry all the time? Do you bring work frustrations home and take them out on your wife? Are you in good physical health? Are you the kind of man that you would expect a lady like your wife to swoon over? If you’re not, then it’s time to pick up the proverbial hammer and chisel and start sculpting the man that you know you could be.

To be clear, the man you want to be sculpting is not the man your wife wants you to be. It’s the man you will feel good being. The man you know you could be if you worked for it. Here is an example list to start thinking about.

The REAL “Honey Do” List for You

  • Start eating right
  • Start working out
  • Do your tasks at home and at work with integrity and without complaining
  • Get a life vision, and, with your lady, start moving toward it
  • If you need it (and you probably do, whether you want to believe it or not) go to a counselor and get help untangling your mind and fixing or replacing broken paradigms and belief systems
  • Build that testosterone. Women are attracted to confident men, and men feel better about themselves when they feel strong and masculine.
  • Develop strong male friendships that you can turn to. Your wife or girlfriend cannot ever replace male friends.
  • Get some hobbies that you enjoy, preferably something that you can work with your hands on. Make it something that speaks to you and that you can spend quality you-time on away from your wife/girlfriend. (Music, archery, wood carving, for some examples)
  • Make more frequent romantic gestures to her, without expecting anything in return.

Here is a great Article from Healthline on fixing a damaged relationship. It adds things that are outside the scope of what I want to talk about, but I think it’s a good read, with good pointers.

Don’t Try to Fix Her

I know it may feel backward to not try to get her to fix her problems as well, and believe me, I’m not saying you’re the only one with things to work on here, but you cannot control her, and you shouldn’t try. As I said previously, women tend to be highly responsive to who you are. So be open about what you are doing, and talk to her. Let her know that you acknowledge that you have a big part to play in the health of your relationship, and that you are going to start working on becoming a better man.

Marriage Counseling

Lastly, guys, I know there are some women that really are abusive and unhealthy, and won’t respond to your changes. In this case, I highly, highly, recommend marriage counseling. Getting a professional third party involved who can give unbiased insights and advice can be invaluable.

Build Yourself

Before you throw in the towel on your relationship, start building yourself. Developing a habit of mindfulness and introspection will help here. All the change that you want to see in your life starts with you. Even if this doesn’t save your relationship, it will certainly help you attract the right woman in the future. Or if you’re single right now and reading this, consciously and carefully crafting yourself into a healthy, man will help you attract the right woman the first time. So don’t hesitate. Start shaping yourself into the man you know you can be. Remember, you are truly remarkable, and have an incredible purpose in this life…so start building!

Breathwork for Getting Great Sleep and Overcoming Anxiety

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The Power of Your Breath

Breathing: a vital, yet perfunctory process necessary for survival; nothing to it! Or is there? Your breath may be the most powerful tool you have access to at any given time. You can use it to relax, focus, get an energy boost, get more out of a workout, assist with your meditation, cool your body down and warm it up at will, and even get better sleep. Breathwork training has been practiced in many ancient cultures as a way of life, by modern athletes to achieve incredible feats of strength and endurance, and by freedivers and spear fisherman to hunt, swim to great depths, and even play underwater sports for several minutes at a time on a single breath.

Without going into the crazy physiological and biochemical science behind breathwork, I’m gonna give you a few breathing exercises that you can practice to make your life better. Note: with exercises intended to relax you, its important to focus especially on lengthening your exhale. Exhaling is linked to our parasympathetic nervous system, the activation of which greatly aids in relaxation. Conversely, the inhale is more closely linked to the sympathetic nervous system, which controls the “fight or flight” function in our bodies, or the sympatho-adrenal response. You can see this for yourself by placing placing your fingers over the artery on your wrist and feeling your pulse. When you breath out slowly, you should feel your heart rate slow down, and then when you breath in, it should speed up.

Breathwork for Sleep

In order to get your body into “the zone” for a great nights sleep, or to aid in combating insomnia, try this breathing exercise. We’ll call it “Imagery Breathing”.

  1. Begin by closing your eyes and breathing deeply through your nose
  2. As you inhale, pay close attention to the feeling of expansion and how good it feels to be oxygenating your body
  3. As you exhale, pay attention to how you feel. For instance, imagine time slowing down around you’; imagine yourself sinking deep into your bed with each breath out; imagine a feeling of comforting weight settling on you as you breath out; feel your eyes getting heavier, the room getting darker etc…
  4. Repeat the full, refreshing, expansive inhale
  5. Use the same or different imagery as you exhale
  6. Repeat for 5 or 10 mins or until you’re too tired to think about what your doing and you can fall asleep.

Another simple exercise is a simple mindfulness technique with a small twist. This technique couples the soothing affect of breathing deeply with a “counting sheep” like essence.

  1. Close your eyes and mouth
  2. Inhale deeply, slowly and deliberately through your nose.
  3. Exhale slowly and deliberately.
  4. Steps 1 and 2 are one breath, and once you finished your exhale, count one
  5. Repeat steps 1-4 until you reach 10 breaths and then start your count over at 1 until you become relaxed and tired enough to fall asleep

Breathwork for Anxiety

Anxiety. What a nasty demon. This breathwork exercise will help you overcome the symptom: an overwhelming sense of anxiety, or an an anxiety attack. The underlying issue is something that you definitely need to explore on your own or with a coach or therapist, but as you take down that monster, here are a couple specific things you can do, utilizing the power of your breath, to help you stay afloat.

Because this is a topic that is super important and that affects an increasing amount of people these days, I want to take a little extra time to explain the basics of breathing for combating anxiety.

When a person is having an anxiety attack, or is stressing out to the point that they’re panicking, they are naturally going to start breathing heavily and from the chest. There are two fundamental types of breathing: Thoracic, which is chest breathing, and Diaphragmatic, which is abdominal breathing. You may have heard abdominal breathing talked about like its breathing from your stomach.

The Breath Test

The easiest way to tell which way you are breathing (thoracic or diaphragmatic) is to lay down on your back and place one hand on your chest, and one hand on your lower abdomen, or stomach. Now take a deep breath and note which hand rises and falls. If it’s your upper hand, you are breathing with your chest, or Thoracic breathing. If your lower hand rises, you are breathing though your lower abdomen, or Diaphragmatic breathing. Your body will use diaphragmatic breathing if left to its own devices, without your conscious influence. Diaphragmatic breathing is what you want to be doing when you are breathing to combat anxiety. So without further ado, here are a couple of breathing exercises you should commit to memory so that you can whip them out when you need them.

This one is probably the most simple breathwork exercise out there, but it sets your breathing pattern to one where your body thinks, “Oh, I’m safe, obviously, because I’m breathing slowly and correctly”.

  1. Keeping your shoulders relaxed, breath in deeply through your nose. Your abdomen, or stomach area, should expand while your chest rises very little, if at all.
  2. Exhale through your mouth, pursing your lips slightly, and keeping your jaw relaxed.
  3. Lather, rinse, repeat, for 3 to 5 minutes, or until you start to feel better!

A Note on CO2

Note for those of you who try this exercise and feel even MORE anxious: If at first, when you try this exercise, you feel MORE anxious, don’t worry. An excess of CO2, a gas naturally created by breathing, is increased substantially by hyperventilating and shallow breathing, both symptoms of anxiety and anxiety attacks. Here is a pubmed study on that. BUT, the good news is that you can train your body to react differently to CO2. Scott Carney, an extraordinary immersive journalist, and author of The Wedge, talks about his experience with CO2 and the fact that, even though a strong intake of CO2 can actually trigger panic attacks, with enough practice, your body can learn to respond positively to it. So take a break when you feel overwhelmed, and try again. Eventually, this breathing technique will help you regulate your body tempo, and help you calm down.

Here is a similar exercise, but one that takes a little more time and focus.

  1. Lie down and close your eyes
  2. Breath in through your nose, for a count of six. Imagine that you are breathing in a calm color like cool blue, or warm yellow.
  3. Don’t fill your lungs to full when you do this (focus on slow breathing, not necessarily deep breathing)
  4. Breath out through your mouth for a six count, lips pursed slightly, imagining that you are exhaling a stressful color, like red, or black
  5. Once you feel calmed and soothed, take a couple of minutes to breath regularly and focus on how your body feels

Resources

For more breathwork tips and tricks, check out Whim Hoff, this Healthline article, and longwhitecloud qigong. I also wrote an article about stress that may offer some perspective. Hope it helps!

I promise you, taking a deep dive into your breathing will lead to nothing but better performance, health and mental well being. So take a deep breath, and become the incredible person that your family, friends, community and the world needs!

Harness the Power of Introspection for a Great Life

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The Journey Inward

Ah, introspection; the journey inward. A quest whose ending promises the fountain of youth, but whose path is beset with terrors and misery beyond imagining. While on my own journey inward, I’ve always been amused and confused by the fact that even in the privacy of my own thoughts, free from the judgments of anyone else, I am sometimes too scared to be honest with myself. What makes that even more frustrating, is that the truth that I am trying to face is actually hidden from myself, within myself. Explain that one, right?

What is Introspection?

So, maybe you’ve never really been introduced to the concept of introspection. Well, allow me the honor! Introspection is the art of looking inward and observing your own thoughts, emotions, desires, and intentions and understanding why they are there, without judging what you find. It is the art of knowing yourself, and being comfortable alone in your own company. In my opinion, this is one of the greatest skills to develop. Unfortunately, it is also one of the more difficult skills to develop, because of the amount of patience and humility it requires.

Why be introspective?

Why might you want to learn to master introspection? First and foremost, introspection is how you build a healthy, honest relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation upon which you must build the rest of your life! Everything depends upon it. So many people have horrible relationships with themselves. People hate themselves, fear themselves, or don’t even have a clue who they really are. Introspection is how you fix that, get to know yourself for who you really are, and learn to love and accept that person.

As you get to know yourself better, you also become more familiar with the inner workings of everyone else. It might come as a bit of a surprise, but as different as everyone is from everyone else, they are also incredibly similar; maybe more similar than they are different. As you begin to understand why you do and say certain things, or how and why something makes you feel a certain way, you will find yourself able to predict and understand the reactions of other people as well. This can be used to help people or hurt them, and that is ultimately up to you.

Another great reason to be introspective is that self knowledge leads to self mastery. Instead of running on auto pilot and reacting automatically to your world, you can choose your reactions. For instance, even though you just got cut off in traffic, and it truly was the other guys fault and you have every reason to be angry, you don’t need to be. It is now just an event that you can observe almost from a third person perspective, and choose how you react to it.

Take Responsibility

Being yelled at by your wife, husband, boss or parents is now just an event, and you alone are the one in charge of how you respond to it. Now, the drawback here is that if you are the type of person who uses their circumstances as an excuse for bad behavior, you no longer have that leg to stand on, and you become completely responsible for all of your actions, thoughts and feelings. That’s where the humility comes in.

Self mastery through introspection can make an incredible impact on your relationships too. As you learn about yourself you will start to see your bad behaviors, nasty habits, and selfish ways more clearly. A blessing and a curse to be sure, because as painful and unpleasant as it is to be faced with those aspects of yourself, it also gives you the opportunity to change and become better, and right wrongs that have been done. That’s where the patience comes in, because you will fail over and over again on your way. Don’t give up! Failure is not the end, it is only one more milepost on the road to where you want to be.

Be mindful

Getting to know yourself well, and not judging yourself are two different things. That is why I highly recommend a guide to help you through this process. Having a trusted friend who you can be open and vulnerable with, who will be honest with you, and can see you from an unbiased perspective will help tremendously. It is important not to get lost in your dark side and become despairing. A good thing to do is be mindful and to take a step back; just observe yourself, your emotions, and thoughts. And accept everything you see. No matter how vile it is, it is neither good nor bad, just information. Your job, once you see it, is to find out why it’s there, not attack yourself over it.

Now that you know a little about introspection, what it can do for you, and some of what to watch out for, how to begin?

Tips and Tricks

  • Begin a mindfulness meditation practice. Taming the “monkey mind” is exceptionally helpful when it comes to observing without judging. The “monkey mind” is a Chinese phrase that refers to the restless, overexcited mind whose thoughts keep coming unbidden and uncontrollable.
  • Pay close attention when you react strongly to something either positively or negatively, and get used to asking yourself why you’re initial reaction is whatever it is.
  • Start journaling. Writing down your feelings and thoughts about events that happened throughout the day and exploring your reactions is very revealing and helpful. Chase the “why”. Something happens and you feel happy. Why? Because of “a”. Why does “a” cause that feeling? Keep up this self interrogation until it bottoms out. You can also use this to examine the past and glean insights from events that are already come and gone. It can be a bit harder, but it also is great practice in learning to master your emotions.
  • Start taking responsibility for your emotions and responses to things. Really come to grips with the fact that you are completely, one hundred percent in control of your reactions, and that nothing and no one can make you feel or respond a certain way.

As a Man Thinketh

A book that I read that I highly recommend to everyone is called “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. It’s one of the few books that I have read multiple times. It focuses on your thoughts and how they shape your life. Excellent for anyone looking to get started on their introspection journey.

You got this!

Do not fear your inner self! They alone hold the keys to freedom and happiness for you. It is time to dig deep and get to “know thyself”, so that you can become the fullest version of you. Get on it!

Achieve Real Happiness and Avoid its Evil Twin: Toxic Optimism

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Everyone Wants to be Happy

Most people spend their whole lives trying to achieve real happiness, and yet very few experience it overall in their lives. In fact, in many cases the people who chase happiness the hardest experience the most depression. We also live at a time in history where quality of life is at its peak, and more time and energy can be dedicated to being happy. Yet, in spite of all this, anxiety and depression plague an extreme amount of people. Why?

Happiness is Subjective

Happiness is subjective; by that I mean that the equation for happiness is different for everyone, and sometimes drastically so. But with the advent of the internet, and social media in particular, everywhere they look people are being told what will make them happy. A lot of money and research goes into convincing the general population that their happiness can be attained simply by buying, doing or believing x, y, and/or z. The truth of the matter is that no one can tell another person what they need to do to achieve real happiness. Doing so can deal a savage blow to a persons trust and belief in the possibility of achieving happiness. This is why the sages, shamans, and “wise men” of the past, taught their families and tribes to look inside themselves for their own unique “happiness equation”.

That being said, there are some specific variables in a happiness equation that are going to be the same for everyone. There are also methods for discovering your own happiness equation that have stood the test of time, but have been discarded in favor of lazier, more convenient promises of happiness.

Difficult, But Worth it

Making yourself a happy person is not a walk in the park! It requires you to be introspective, and brutally honest with yourself; It requires you to cut ties with things that feel good but ultimately prevent happiness long term. I know that sounds like a lot, but don’t worry! The journey itself is full of amazing experiences and chances for happiness. And lets face it, we will spend our entire lives becoming the fullest versions of ourselves, so no rush. Just take it one step at a time.

Toxic Optimism

Before I get into a few specific steps for starting your journey toward happiness, I want to offer a warning about Toxic Optimism. Toxic Optimism is a death trap for anyone seeking to achieve real happiness, but unfortunately, it is strongly encouraged by society. The idea here is that you can be happy by only thinking happy thoughts, and repressing or refusing to feel any emotion that seems to appose happiness. Many people even go so far as to call those other emotions “bad”! I’m sure that most people have heard of the “hack” that if you force yourself to smile, even if you feel unhappy, that you will feel happier.

While there is something to be said for this helpful exercise, it is not a standalone remedy for the blues. Especially if those “blues” are chronic like they are for a lot of people. If you think happy thoughts and ignore, temporarily, your negative emotions, you can give yourself a short term fix. This but is not a sustainable way to live though, and it does not bring you any closer to true happiness. In fact, it pushes you further away if it is depended upon too much. It is exhausting and eventually all those neglected, orphaned emotions come knocking on your door demanding attention. They don’t just disappear. This causes chronic stress and inflammation and leads to a host of physical, mental and emotional problems.

In order to be a happy, healthy, functioning human, you need to have complete access to your full range of emotions, and know how to interpret and use them. They are important, and the key to real, lasting happiness.

So, what is real happiness, and how does one become truly happy?

What is happiness

Happiness is what happens when you achieve harmony between yourself and your emotions and circumstances. When you are at peace with yourself, your emotions and circumstances, then you will be happy. I mean “circumstances” in a broad sense; they could include your relationships, career, living situation or anything outside of yourself that you have either no control, or limited control of.

Keep going forward!

People are at their happiest when they are performing well and improving. Nobody is happy when they are stagnant or lethargic or living at a quality of life that they know is less than they could achieve. But here’s the thing: you become happier by just moving forward toward your best life. You don’t have to be at your best life to be happy. If that were the case then no one would ever be happy, because as you improve yourself and your circumstances, your potential increases! It really pays to have a crystal clear life vision to give you a specific direction to go forward in.

A great amount of introspection and self reflection is required to be happy. Its a lot of work to reconcile all your emotions, be at peace with yourself, and learn to allow your circumstances to be what they will and only concern yourself with the limited amount you can control! I highly recommend that you find a coach or a mentor who can guide you through this process. Without guidance, introspection can have the opposite effect. Here are some things to get you started on your happiness journey.

Try these tips

  • Develop a mindfulness practice
  • Develop a life vision and move toward it
  • Work on your health and fitness
  • Make friends with your real emotions and learn how to interpret them
  • Become comfortable in your own, uninterrupted company
  • Develop a few close relationships with members of your own sex.
  • Stop judging yourself and start understanding yourself.

Best of luck!

These are not the only variables in your equation for happiness, but they are a great place to start. The rest is up to you! Dig deep, find out what you need to be happy and become the person you were meant to be!