More Harm than Good
I recently read an excellent and compelling article about the dangers of giving advice to those in emotional anguish. I highly recommend reading it here. Parker J. Palmer, the author of the short article in question, makes the argument that in many cases we do more harm than good when giving advice.
Human Nature
Humans love giving advice. It’s an awesome part of who we are as a species, and its our nature! We learn things, and then we teach others; that’s part of why we have evolved so rapidly. But when it comes to giving advice to friends, family, or anyone else who is sad or suffering, we have to be careful not to accidentally make things worse. Sometimes giving unsolicited, and even solicited, advice hurts those we intend to help. Each person is different, and it is so important to remember that. Not everyone is affected the same way by the same things, and so not everyone will be helped by the same things.
On top of all that, there are ulterior motives within ourselves to be wary of. I’ll confess that sometimes I don’t actually have the best interests in mind of whomever I am offering advice to. Sometimes my real agenda consists of two things: showcasing my knowledge or ability to see through obstacles, and/or relieving my own discomfort caused by being in the presence of an emotionally distraught companion. This is also simply human nature, and nothing to beat ourselves up about. But if we can see our ulterior motives, we can make changes and learn how to be truly helpful in times of emotional distress. It is also important to note that even though these are motives that I keep to myself, they will still negatively affect the person receiving my advice. It’s also not good for me, and I need to be always watchful of my intentions.
A Better Way
Rather than offering advice, a much more powerful…and much simpler…thing to do is simply to hold space for the person. As a Life Coach, this is my primary job. I hold space for my clients to express themselves, and I ask them questions that will guide them to their own answers. So instead of telling someone what they should do, try asking them if they want to talk about it. If they don’t, simply be there and be emotionally open to them however they need. It is, more difficult and more uncomfortable to do this, but it is better for you and for them.
Be there for yourself
The best way that you can prepare yourself to be the friend that your family and friends need you to be, is to be the best friend to yourself that you can be. Learn to be comfortable just sitting with yourself and your own emotions. That will make it much easier to sit with someone else and theirs. A solid mindfulness practice will go a long way here.
Keep in mind that you cannot pour out of an empty cup. If someone else needs you, you have to have something in you to give. I know that this is a difficult statement for some, but even if you disagree, please think about it from time to time: You can only love others to the extent that you love yourself. So if you can’t find it within you to love yourself for yourself, learn to love yourself for the sake of those you care about. In a sneaky, round about way, the end result will be the same, and you’ll love you for you AND everyone else too!
Read the Referenced Article
Now, before I get too much in the way and muddle the message intended by the author of the article I am referencing , I will sign off here and let you read and ponder for yourself. Much love to you all!