Tag Archives: personal development

Self Development Might be Ruining You. Make Sure It’s Not!

Posted on by

Discovery and Practice

Here you are, reading and learning to better yourself. Good on you! Now, exactly how are you applying what you are reading? What changes have you made in your life, based on what you’ve learned about self development? For many of us, it’s easy to read excellent books, listen to amazing podcasts, and discover powerful, life changing tactics. The problem is, we seldom get further than the discovery phase.

I can read something, and just because I now possess that knowledge, I think that I have a handle on its application. This isn’t just a harmless miscalculation. Undermining the importance of putting self development practices into action makes us feel more secure than we are.

“How far have I come?”

As we go along learning and thinking that we are changing, eventually we’ll look at our lives and ask, “How far have I come since I started?” Then we realize… I am still sleeping in every day, I still don’t consistently work out, I still eat food that I shouldn’t, I still have that same attitude problem etc… The next thought is either, “this self development stuff is a sham, it doesn’t work”, or we start justifying being the worst versions of ourselves. Or, even worse, we turn against ourselves. We start condemning ourselves for being too stupid, too lazy, too anything. and then we begin the decent into depression and self loathing.

So, why do we default to learning without doing? It seems like the motivation is there, we’re excited about it, we want to improve ourselves, so what happens?

Habits, habits, habits…

Habit forming is a notoriously difficult task. Usually we not only have to build a good habit, but we also have to break an old habit. Sometimes we have to break more than one old habit, just to get one good habit made! Humans, by default, take the path of least resistance. Coincidentally, that is where we’ll find most of our bad habits hanging out. Good habits are almost always going to be things that go against our energy efficient (lazy) nature. They also take something like 3 whole weeks of consistent practice to solidify. So we are already running into time commitment issues, being forced out of our comfort zones, and doing harder things than we want to do in an already stressed out life.

One Step at a Time

One habit is relatively simple to take on. What derails a lot of people is trying to tackle multiple large habits at once! Instead of trying to change your diet, start cold showering, work out, read before bed, and build a morning routine all at once…just start with one thing and master that. Then move on. Life isn’t a race. It’s important to give ourselves grace as we go about changing our lives. Otherwise we’ll hit a wall and burn out. As long as you are even 1% better today than you were yesterday, then you are improving! And really, what’s the hurry? No one is ever going to be the perfect human, so why rush to an unreachable destination? Be patient with yourself, even if no one else is.

For more on habit formation and how to break old habits, check out this article from Psychology Today!

Patience, My Friends

Remember, it really is more about the journey than the destination. The road is where all the lessons live. So, work hard and smart, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and be kind to yourself. Patience is the secret to improvement.

Harness the Power of Introspection for a Great Life

Posted on by

The Journey Inward

Ah, introspection; the journey inward. A quest whose ending promises the fountain of youth, but whose path is beset with terrors and misery beyond imagining. While on my own journey inward, I’ve always been amused and confused by the fact that even in the privacy of my own thoughts, free from the judgments of anyone else, I am sometimes too scared to be honest with myself. What makes that even more frustrating, is that the truth that I am trying to face is actually hidden from myself, within myself. Explain that one, right?

What is Introspection?

So, maybe you’ve never really been introduced to the concept of introspection. Well, allow me the honor! Introspection is the art of looking inward and observing your own thoughts, emotions, desires, and intentions and understanding why they are there, without judging what you find. It is the art of knowing yourself, and being comfortable alone in your own company. In my opinion, this is one of the greatest skills to develop. Unfortunately, it is also one of the more difficult skills to develop, because of the amount of patience and humility it requires.

Why be introspective?

Why might you want to learn to master introspection? First and foremost, introspection is how you build a healthy, honest relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation upon which you must build the rest of your life! Everything depends upon it. So many people have horrible relationships with themselves. People hate themselves, fear themselves, or don’t even have a clue who they really are. Introspection is how you fix that, get to know yourself for who you really are, and learn to love and accept that person.

As you get to know yourself better, you also become more familiar with the inner workings of everyone else. It might come as a bit of a surprise, but as different as everyone is from everyone else, they are also incredibly similar; maybe more similar than they are different. As you begin to understand why you do and say certain things, or how and why something makes you feel a certain way, you will find yourself able to predict and understand the reactions of other people as well. This can be used to help people or hurt them, and that is ultimately up to you.

Another great reason to be introspective is that self knowledge leads to self mastery. Instead of running on auto pilot and reacting automatically to your world, you can choose your reactions. For instance, even though you just got cut off in traffic, and it truly was the other guys fault and you have every reason to be angry, you don’t need to be. It is now just an event that you can observe almost from a third person perspective, and choose how you react to it.

Take Responsibility

Being yelled at by your wife, husband, boss or parents is now just an event, and you alone are the one in charge of how you respond to it. Now, the drawback here is that if you are the type of person who uses their circumstances as an excuse for bad behavior, you no longer have that leg to stand on, and you become completely responsible for all of your actions, thoughts and feelings. That’s where the humility comes in.

Self mastery through introspection can make an incredible impact on your relationships too. As you learn about yourself you will start to see your bad behaviors, nasty habits, and selfish ways more clearly. A blessing and a curse to be sure, because as painful and unpleasant as it is to be faced with those aspects of yourself, it also gives you the opportunity to change and become better, and right wrongs that have been done. That’s where the patience comes in, because you will fail over and over again on your way. Don’t give up! Failure is not the end, it is only one more milepost on the road to where you want to be.

Be mindful

Getting to know yourself well, and not judging yourself are two different things. That is why I highly recommend a guide to help you through this process. Having a trusted friend who you can be open and vulnerable with, who will be honest with you, and can see you from an unbiased perspective will help tremendously. It is important not to get lost in your dark side and become despairing. A good thing to do is be mindful and to take a step back; just observe yourself, your emotions, and thoughts. And accept everything you see. No matter how vile it is, it is neither good nor bad, just information. Your job, once you see it, is to find out why it’s there, not attack yourself over it.

Now that you know a little about introspection, what it can do for you, and some of what to watch out for, how to begin?

Tips and Tricks

  • Begin a mindfulness meditation practice. Taming the “monkey mind” is exceptionally helpful when it comes to observing without judging. The “monkey mind” is a Chinese phrase that refers to the restless, overexcited mind whose thoughts keep coming unbidden and uncontrollable.
  • Pay close attention when you react strongly to something either positively or negatively, and get used to asking yourself why you’re initial reaction is whatever it is.
  • Start journaling. Writing down your feelings and thoughts about events that happened throughout the day and exploring your reactions is very revealing and helpful. Chase the “why”. Something happens and you feel happy. Why? Because of “a”. Why does “a” cause that feeling? Keep up this self interrogation until it bottoms out. You can also use this to examine the past and glean insights from events that are already come and gone. It can be a bit harder, but it also is great practice in learning to master your emotions.
  • Start taking responsibility for your emotions and responses to things. Really come to grips with the fact that you are completely, one hundred percent in control of your reactions, and that nothing and no one can make you feel or respond a certain way.

As a Man Thinketh

A book that I read that I highly recommend to everyone is called “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. It’s one of the few books that I have read multiple times. It focuses on your thoughts and how they shape your life. Excellent for anyone looking to get started on their introspection journey.

You got this!

Do not fear your inner self! They alone hold the keys to freedom and happiness for you. It is time to dig deep and get to “know thyself”, so that you can become the fullest version of you. Get on it!

Achieve Real Happiness and Avoid its Evil Twin: Toxic Optimism

Posted on by

Everyone Wants to be Happy

Most people spend their whole lives trying to achieve real happiness, and yet very few experience it overall in their lives. In fact, in many cases the people who chase happiness the hardest experience the most depression. We also live at a time in history where quality of life is at its peak, and more time and energy can be dedicated to being happy. Yet, in spite of all this, anxiety and depression plague an extreme amount of people. Why?

Happiness is Subjective

Happiness is subjective; by that I mean that the equation for happiness is different for everyone, and sometimes drastically so. But with the advent of the internet, and social media in particular, everywhere they look people are being told what will make them happy. A lot of money and research goes into convincing the general population that their happiness can be attained simply by buying, doing or believing x, y, and/or z. The truth of the matter is that no one can tell another person what they need to do to achieve real happiness. Doing so can deal a savage blow to a persons trust and belief in the possibility of achieving happiness. This is why the sages, shamans, and “wise men” of the past, taught their families and tribes to look inside themselves for their own unique “happiness equation”.

That being said, there are some specific variables in a happiness equation that are going to be the same for everyone. There are also methods for discovering your own happiness equation that have stood the test of time, but have been discarded in favor of lazier, more convenient promises of happiness.

Difficult, But Worth it

Making yourself a happy person is not a walk in the park! It requires you to be introspective, and brutally honest with yourself; It requires you to cut ties with things that feel good but ultimately prevent happiness long term. I know that sounds like a lot, but don’t worry! The journey itself is full of amazing experiences and chances for happiness. And lets face it, we will spend our entire lives becoming the fullest versions of ourselves, so no rush. Just take it one step at a time.

Toxic Optimism

Before I get into a few specific steps for starting your journey toward happiness, I want to offer a warning about Toxic Optimism. Toxic Optimism is a death trap for anyone seeking to achieve real happiness, but unfortunately, it is strongly encouraged by society. The idea here is that you can be happy by only thinking happy thoughts, and repressing or refusing to feel any emotion that seems to appose happiness. Many people even go so far as to call those other emotions “bad”! I’m sure that most people have heard of the “hack” that if you force yourself to smile, even if you feel unhappy, that you will feel happier.

While there is something to be said for this helpful exercise, it is not a standalone remedy for the blues. Especially if those “blues” are chronic like they are for a lot of people. If you think happy thoughts and ignore, temporarily, your negative emotions, you can give yourself a short term fix. This but is not a sustainable way to live though, and it does not bring you any closer to true happiness. In fact, it pushes you further away if it is depended upon too much. It is exhausting and eventually all those neglected, orphaned emotions come knocking on your door demanding attention. They don’t just disappear. This causes chronic stress and inflammation and leads to a host of physical, mental and emotional problems.

In order to be a happy, healthy, functioning human, you need to have complete access to your full range of emotions, and know how to interpret and use them. They are important, and the key to real, lasting happiness.

So, what is real happiness, and how does one become truly happy?

What is happiness

Happiness is what happens when you achieve harmony between yourself and your emotions and circumstances. When you are at peace with yourself, your emotions and circumstances, then you will be happy. I mean “circumstances” in a broad sense; they could include your relationships, career, living situation or anything outside of yourself that you have either no control, or limited control of.

Keep going forward!

People are at their happiest when they are performing well and improving. Nobody is happy when they are stagnant or lethargic or living at a quality of life that they know is less than they could achieve. But here’s the thing: you become happier by just moving forward toward your best life. You don’t have to be at your best life to be happy. If that were the case then no one would ever be happy, because as you improve yourself and your circumstances, your potential increases! It really pays to have a crystal clear life vision to give you a specific direction to go forward in.

A great amount of introspection and self reflection is required to be happy. Its a lot of work to reconcile all your emotions, be at peace with yourself, and learn to allow your circumstances to be what they will and only concern yourself with the limited amount you can control! I highly recommend that you find a coach or a mentor who can guide you through this process. Without guidance, introspection can have the opposite effect. Here are some things to get you started on your happiness journey.

Try these tips

  • Develop a mindfulness practice
  • Develop a life vision and move toward it
  • Work on your health and fitness
  • Make friends with your real emotions and learn how to interpret them
  • Become comfortable in your own, uninterrupted company
  • Develop a few close relationships with members of your own sex.
  • Stop judging yourself and start understanding yourself.

Best of luck!

These are not the only variables in your equation for happiness, but they are a great place to start. The rest is up to you! Dig deep, find out what you need to be happy and become the person you were meant to be!