Tag Archives: Self Help

Stress: A Second Look at Public Enemy Number One

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Stree: Public Enemy No. 1

These days, stress seems to have attained the special honor of being named society’s Public Enemy Number One. It causes unhealthy weight gain, high blood pressure, prevents the body from repairing and regenerating, prevents a good night sleep, and has other negative effects besides. For many people, life has ended up being a story with two possible outcomes: either they find a way to live a stress free life and end up happy, or they don’t and never get a chance to enjoy their lives. But what if I told you that stress plays an important, even vital, role in helping you live your fullest life?

Stress, Yes…But What Kind?

This has been a subject of much scrutiny in the scientific world. Psychologists, physiologists and athletes have all done vast amounts of research on stress and how it effects people, how to cope with it, and how it can be used to our benefit. One of the important things to understand here is that there is more than one kind. Some do more harm than good, but you are ultimately in charge of whether or not something is going to benefit you. What I want to do here is give you the knowledge that you need in order to make stress of any kind work for you.

“Good Stress”

Lets start with eustress. Eustress is what you experience from an exciting situation, that puts spark in your life and makes you feel good and alive. Roller coaster rides, scary movies, adventures and things of that nature are examples of eustress. Its easy to see how this kind of stress is beneficial, so make the most of it when you can.

Acute Stress

Acute stress is another kind of stress that is experienced naturally throughout life. This kind is a reaction to a surprise that needs a quick response. For instance, someone jumps out and scares you and you either punch them, freeze, or run for your life. It is one of the least damaging types which is good because we encounter it regularly. It occurs when you encounter a perceived threat, either physical, emotional or psychological. Under normal circumstances, once the “threat” is dealt with, the stress response goes away and everything resolves itself in your mind and body.

“Bad Stress”

Chronic Stress is where it gets juicy. This is the kind that causes the weight gain, the insomnia, the weakened immune system, physical pain, and mental exhaustion. Chronic stress, as the name suggests, is a state of constant stress. Repeatedly facing stressors that seem inescapable or unchangeable is what causes this. Having a job that you hate, or a home life that drains you are examples of chronic stressors. This is probably the most damaging kind of stress.

Hormesis

Hormesis is most closely associated with exercise. This is what occurs when you put stress on your body and it responds by becoming more resilient. This is the kingpin to the point I want to make here. A hormesis like response can take place with any of the above mentioned stressors. Your mind and body can adapt and overcome the stressors they encounter. In fact, it WILL adapt, and develop its own ways of coping with whatever stress it is facing.

Unlike with hormesis, however, the adaptation may not produce resilience unless you step in and choose what kinds of coping mechanisms and defenses to put in place. Your mind and body, on their own, will tend to choose the path of least resistance, and that may not be the most beneficial path. For instance, with chronic stress you may end up with a drinking habit, or abusing your family and friends in a subconscious effort to deflect and numb yourself to the stress you are encountering. That’s part of the power of self mastery. Not only can you choose healthier coping mechanisms, you can choose ones that actually make your stronger and more resilient.

A Warrior in a Garden

So…wouldn’t it still be better to eradicate stress from my life entirely, instead of learning how to work around it? My argument would be “no”. You can never create a life that is completely stress free because there will always be circumstances that you cannot control, and they vastly outnumber the ones you can control. In order to live your fullest life, you have to get good at managing stress, and not only that, but turn it into a springboard that will launch you into success and fulfillment. Better to become someone who uses stress to become strong than merely learn to manage it, let alone just hope that you can turn your life into a stress-less one. “It is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war.”

Make Stress an Asset

Alrighty, brass tacks. How can you make stress an asset? First, understand that humans really only grow and develop through adversity. Stop thinking of everything that is giving you a hard time as being “bad”. Every time you feel stressed out, it is an opportunity to practice self mastery, and get to know yourself better. Take an objective look at what’s going on, and simply accept it. It’s not bad, it just is. Use the mindfulness techniques that you’ve hopefully been practicing. Maybe do a little introspection. Every chance you get to know yourself better is gold. Here is a good Health Line article about the benefits of stress. Multiple views are always good!

“Search Your Feelings”

Second, know that stress is an indicator. It’s there for a reason. Pay attention to your feelings and emotions and figure out exactly what they are telling you. What exactly is stressing you? Why is it stressing you? What are you going to do about it? You don’t have to sit there and take the punches; you can fight back, or step out of the ring, or whatever you want to do. It’s your life, and you don’t need to be hemmed in by the imaginary fences that people tell you you need to be hemmed in by.

Take Action

Start brainstorming and strategizing; talk to the people in your life who are key individuals in the circumstances that are stressing you. Your boss if work is stressing you, or your spouse if it’s your home life. If you aren’t hearing it yet…take action. Get a life coach to help you get things sorted and start moving toward a more fulfilling life. You can even drop me a note here or on social media and I can be that coach for you.

Don’t be Hatin’

Every time you experience chronic stress, you’ve been given a chance to upgrade your life. It may not be easy, and it may require sacrifice, but you can effect changes that will make you stronger and your life more fulfilling. Don’t hate the stress, and don’t fear it…use it.

Self Development Might be Ruining You. Make Sure It’s Not!

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Discovery and Practice

Here you are, reading and learning to better yourself. Good on you! Now, exactly how are you applying what you are reading? What changes have you made in your life, based on what you’ve learned about self development? For many of us, it’s easy to read excellent books, listen to amazing podcasts, and discover powerful, life changing tactics. The problem is, we seldom get further than the discovery phase.

I can read something, and just because I now possess that knowledge, I think that I have a handle on its application. This isn’t just a harmless miscalculation. Undermining the importance of putting self development practices into action makes us feel more secure than we are.

“How far have I come?”

As we go along learning and thinking that we are changing, eventually we’ll look at our lives and ask, “How far have I come since I started?” Then we realize… I am still sleeping in every day, I still don’t consistently work out, I still eat food that I shouldn’t, I still have that same attitude problem etc… The next thought is either, “this self development stuff is a sham, it doesn’t work”, or we start justifying being the worst versions of ourselves. Or, even worse, we turn against ourselves. We start condemning ourselves for being too stupid, too lazy, too anything. and then we begin the decent into depression and self loathing.

So, why do we default to learning without doing? It seems like the motivation is there, we’re excited about it, we want to improve ourselves, so what happens?

Habits, habits, habits…

Habit forming is a notoriously difficult task. Usually we not only have to build a good habit, but we also have to break an old habit. Sometimes we have to break more than one old habit, just to get one good habit made! Humans, by default, take the path of least resistance. Coincidentally, that is where we’ll find most of our bad habits hanging out. Good habits are almost always going to be things that go against our energy efficient (lazy) nature. They also take something like 3 whole weeks of consistent practice to solidify. So we are already running into time commitment issues, being forced out of our comfort zones, and doing harder things than we want to do in an already stressed out life.

One Step at a Time

One habit is relatively simple to take on. What derails a lot of people is trying to tackle multiple large habits at once! Instead of trying to change your diet, start cold showering, work out, read before bed, and build a morning routine all at once…just start with one thing and master that. Then move on. Life isn’t a race. It’s important to give ourselves grace as we go about changing our lives. Otherwise we’ll hit a wall and burn out. As long as you are even 1% better today than you were yesterday, then you are improving! And really, what’s the hurry? No one is ever going to be the perfect human, so why rush to an unreachable destination? Be patient with yourself, even if no one else is.

For more on habit formation and how to break old habits, check out this article from Psychology Today!

Patience, My Friends

Remember, it really is more about the journey than the destination. The road is where all the lessons live. So, work hard and smart, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and be kind to yourself. Patience is the secret to improvement.

The Powerful Secret for Men to Rescuing your Relationship

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What’s the Issue?

Guys, if your lady is always getting on your nerves and doing things that frustrate you; if she no longer responds well to your romantic gestures or if she seem unappreciative of your hard work and sacrifice; or if you are losing her and don’t know how to get her back, and your relationship seems broken beyond repair, then this article is for YOU! Since this is such a painful and prolific issue being faced by millions of men, I will get straight to the point. The problem is you. Yep, you! Now, I’m sure this is gonna make a lot of men angry right off the bat, but I urge you to keep reading. This article could be life changing for you, and likely for your family as well.

Taking Responsibility

Marital and relationship problems have a variety of starting points, but almost all of them have a very simple “turn around” point: when one person takes ownership for their relationship and starts to work on the things that they can control. Your significant other, is not, I repeat, is not, one of those things you can control. So that leaves just you that you need to work on. And since you are the man in your relationship, you are the one that the responsibility falls on to start making a change.

It Starts with You

If you want to fix your relationship, it starts with you. Women tend to be highly responsive, and they will respond to the person that you are. Take a long hard look in the mirror fellas. What do you see? Are you angry all the time? Do you bring work frustrations home and take them out on your wife? Are you in good physical health? Are you the kind of man that you would expect a lady like your wife to swoon over? If you’re not, then it’s time to pick up the proverbial hammer and chisel and start sculpting the man that you know you could be.

To be clear, the man you want to be sculpting is not the man your wife wants you to be. It’s the man you will feel good being. The man you know you could be if you worked for it. Here is an example list to start thinking about.

The REAL “Honey Do” List for You

  • Start eating right
  • Start working out
  • Do your tasks at home and at work with integrity and without complaining
  • Get a life vision, and, with your lady, start moving toward it
  • If you need it (and you probably do, whether you want to believe it or not) go to a counselor and get help untangling your mind and fixing or replacing broken paradigms and belief systems
  • Build that testosterone. Women are attracted to confident men, and men feel better about themselves when they feel strong and masculine.
  • Develop strong male friendships that you can turn to. Your wife or girlfriend cannot ever replace male friends.
  • Get some hobbies that you enjoy, preferably something that you can work with your hands on. Make it something that speaks to you and that you can spend quality you-time on away from your wife/girlfriend. (Music, archery, wood carving, for some examples)
  • Make more frequent romantic gestures to her, without expecting anything in return.

Here is a great Article from Healthline on fixing a damaged relationship. It adds things that are outside the scope of what I want to talk about, but I think it’s a good read, with good pointers.

Don’t Try to Fix Her

I know it may feel backward to not try to get her to fix her problems as well, and believe me, I’m not saying you’re the only one with things to work on here, but you cannot control her, and you shouldn’t try. As I said previously, women tend to be highly responsive to who you are. So be open about what you are doing, and talk to her. Let her know that you acknowledge that you have a big part to play in the health of your relationship, and that you are going to start working on becoming a better man.

Marriage Counseling

Lastly, guys, I know there are some women that really are abusive and unhealthy, and won’t respond to your changes. In this case, I highly, highly, recommend marriage counseling. Getting a professional third party involved who can give unbiased insights and advice can be invaluable.

Build Yourself

Before you throw in the towel on your relationship, start building yourself. Developing a habit of mindfulness and introspection will help here. All the change that you want to see in your life starts with you. Even if this doesn’t save your relationship, it will certainly help you attract the right woman in the future. Or if you’re single right now and reading this, consciously and carefully crafting yourself into a healthy, man will help you attract the right woman the first time. So don’t hesitate. Start shaping yourself into the man you know you can be. Remember, you are truly remarkable, and have an incredible purpose in this life…so start building!

Harness the Power of Introspection for a Great Life

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The Journey Inward

Ah, introspection; the journey inward. A quest whose ending promises the fountain of youth, but whose path is beset with terrors and misery beyond imagining. While on my own journey inward, I’ve always been amused and confused by the fact that even in the privacy of my own thoughts, free from the judgments of anyone else, I am sometimes too scared to be honest with myself. What makes that even more frustrating, is that the truth that I am trying to face is actually hidden from myself, within myself. Explain that one, right?

What is Introspection?

So, maybe you’ve never really been introduced to the concept of introspection. Well, allow me the honor! Introspection is the art of looking inward and observing your own thoughts, emotions, desires, and intentions and understanding why they are there, without judging what you find. It is the art of knowing yourself, and being comfortable alone in your own company. In my opinion, this is one of the greatest skills to develop. Unfortunately, it is also one of the more difficult skills to develop, because of the amount of patience and humility it requires.

Why be introspective?

Why might you want to learn to master introspection? First and foremost, introspection is how you build a healthy, honest relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation upon which you must build the rest of your life! Everything depends upon it. So many people have horrible relationships with themselves. People hate themselves, fear themselves, or don’t even have a clue who they really are. Introspection is how you fix that, get to know yourself for who you really are, and learn to love and accept that person.

As you get to know yourself better, you also become more familiar with the inner workings of everyone else. It might come as a bit of a surprise, but as different as everyone is from everyone else, they are also incredibly similar; maybe more similar than they are different. As you begin to understand why you do and say certain things, or how and why something makes you feel a certain way, you will find yourself able to predict and understand the reactions of other people as well. This can be used to help people or hurt them, and that is ultimately up to you.

Another great reason to be introspective is that self knowledge leads to self mastery. Instead of running on auto pilot and reacting automatically to your world, you can choose your reactions. For instance, even though you just got cut off in traffic, and it truly was the other guys fault and you have every reason to be angry, you don’t need to be. It is now just an event that you can observe almost from a third person perspective, and choose how you react to it.

Take Responsibility

Being yelled at by your wife, husband, boss or parents is now just an event, and you alone are the one in charge of how you respond to it. Now, the drawback here is that if you are the type of person who uses their circumstances as an excuse for bad behavior, you no longer have that leg to stand on, and you become completely responsible for all of your actions, thoughts and feelings. That’s where the humility comes in.

Self mastery through introspection can make an incredible impact on your relationships too. As you learn about yourself you will start to see your bad behaviors, nasty habits, and selfish ways more clearly. A blessing and a curse to be sure, because as painful and unpleasant as it is to be faced with those aspects of yourself, it also gives you the opportunity to change and become better, and right wrongs that have been done. That’s where the patience comes in, because you will fail over and over again on your way. Don’t give up! Failure is not the end, it is only one more milepost on the road to where you want to be.

Be mindful

Getting to know yourself well, and not judging yourself are two different things. That is why I highly recommend a guide to help you through this process. Having a trusted friend who you can be open and vulnerable with, who will be honest with you, and can see you from an unbiased perspective will help tremendously. It is important not to get lost in your dark side and become despairing. A good thing to do is be mindful and to take a step back; just observe yourself, your emotions, and thoughts. And accept everything you see. No matter how vile it is, it is neither good nor bad, just information. Your job, once you see it, is to find out why it’s there, not attack yourself over it.

Now that you know a little about introspection, what it can do for you, and some of what to watch out for, how to begin?

Tips and Tricks

  • Begin a mindfulness meditation practice. Taming the “monkey mind” is exceptionally helpful when it comes to observing without judging. The “monkey mind” is a Chinese phrase that refers to the restless, overexcited mind whose thoughts keep coming unbidden and uncontrollable.
  • Pay close attention when you react strongly to something either positively or negatively, and get used to asking yourself why you’re initial reaction is whatever it is.
  • Start journaling. Writing down your feelings and thoughts about events that happened throughout the day and exploring your reactions is very revealing and helpful. Chase the “why”. Something happens and you feel happy. Why? Because of “a”. Why does “a” cause that feeling? Keep up this self interrogation until it bottoms out. You can also use this to examine the past and glean insights from events that are already come and gone. It can be a bit harder, but it also is great practice in learning to master your emotions.
  • Start taking responsibility for your emotions and responses to things. Really come to grips with the fact that you are completely, one hundred percent in control of your reactions, and that nothing and no one can make you feel or respond a certain way.

As a Man Thinketh

A book that I read that I highly recommend to everyone is called “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. It’s one of the few books that I have read multiple times. It focuses on your thoughts and how they shape your life. Excellent for anyone looking to get started on their introspection journey.

You got this!

Do not fear your inner self! They alone hold the keys to freedom and happiness for you. It is time to dig deep and get to “know thyself”, so that you can become the fullest version of you. Get on it!

Achieve Real Happiness and Avoid its Evil Twin: Toxic Optimism

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Everyone Wants to be Happy

Most people spend their whole lives trying to achieve real happiness, and yet very few experience it overall in their lives. In fact, in many cases the people who chase happiness the hardest experience the most depression. We also live at a time in history where quality of life is at its peak, and more time and energy can be dedicated to being happy. Yet, in spite of all this, anxiety and depression plague an extreme amount of people. Why?

Happiness is Subjective

Happiness is subjective; by that I mean that the equation for happiness is different for everyone, and sometimes drastically so. But with the advent of the internet, and social media in particular, everywhere they look people are being told what will make them happy. A lot of money and research goes into convincing the general population that their happiness can be attained simply by buying, doing or believing x, y, and/or z. The truth of the matter is that no one can tell another person what they need to do to achieve real happiness. Doing so can deal a savage blow to a persons trust and belief in the possibility of achieving happiness. This is why the sages, shamans, and “wise men” of the past, taught their families and tribes to look inside themselves for their own unique “happiness equation”.

That being said, there are some specific variables in a happiness equation that are going to be the same for everyone. There are also methods for discovering your own happiness equation that have stood the test of time, but have been discarded in favor of lazier, more convenient promises of happiness.

Difficult, But Worth it

Making yourself a happy person is not a walk in the park! It requires you to be introspective, and brutally honest with yourself; It requires you to cut ties with things that feel good but ultimately prevent happiness long term. I know that sounds like a lot, but don’t worry! The journey itself is full of amazing experiences and chances for happiness. And lets face it, we will spend our entire lives becoming the fullest versions of ourselves, so no rush. Just take it one step at a time.

Toxic Optimism

Before I get into a few specific steps for starting your journey toward happiness, I want to offer a warning about Toxic Optimism. Toxic Optimism is a death trap for anyone seeking to achieve real happiness, but unfortunately, it is strongly encouraged by society. The idea here is that you can be happy by only thinking happy thoughts, and repressing or refusing to feel any emotion that seems to appose happiness. Many people even go so far as to call those other emotions “bad”! I’m sure that most people have heard of the “hack” that if you force yourself to smile, even if you feel unhappy, that you will feel happier.

While there is something to be said for this helpful exercise, it is not a standalone remedy for the blues. Especially if those “blues” are chronic like they are for a lot of people. If you think happy thoughts and ignore, temporarily, your negative emotions, you can give yourself a short term fix. This but is not a sustainable way to live though, and it does not bring you any closer to true happiness. In fact, it pushes you further away if it is depended upon too much. It is exhausting and eventually all those neglected, orphaned emotions come knocking on your door demanding attention. They don’t just disappear. This causes chronic stress and inflammation and leads to a host of physical, mental and emotional problems.

In order to be a happy, healthy, functioning human, you need to have complete access to your full range of emotions, and know how to interpret and use them. They are important, and the key to real, lasting happiness.

So, what is real happiness, and how does one become truly happy?

What is happiness

Happiness is what happens when you achieve harmony between yourself and your emotions and circumstances. When you are at peace with yourself, your emotions and circumstances, then you will be happy. I mean “circumstances” in a broad sense; they could include your relationships, career, living situation or anything outside of yourself that you have either no control, or limited control of.

Keep going forward!

People are at their happiest when they are performing well and improving. Nobody is happy when they are stagnant or lethargic or living at a quality of life that they know is less than they could achieve. But here’s the thing: you become happier by just moving forward toward your best life. You don’t have to be at your best life to be happy. If that were the case then no one would ever be happy, because as you improve yourself and your circumstances, your potential increases! It really pays to have a crystal clear life vision to give you a specific direction to go forward in.

A great amount of introspection and self reflection is required to be happy. Its a lot of work to reconcile all your emotions, be at peace with yourself, and learn to allow your circumstances to be what they will and only concern yourself with the limited amount you can control! I highly recommend that you find a coach or a mentor who can guide you through this process. Without guidance, introspection can have the opposite effect. Here are some things to get you started on your happiness journey.

Try these tips

  • Develop a mindfulness practice
  • Develop a life vision and move toward it
  • Work on your health and fitness
  • Make friends with your real emotions and learn how to interpret them
  • Become comfortable in your own, uninterrupted company
  • Develop a few close relationships with members of your own sex.
  • Stop judging yourself and start understanding yourself.

Best of luck!

These are not the only variables in your equation for happiness, but they are a great place to start. The rest is up to you! Dig deep, find out what you need to be happy and become the person you were meant to be!