Tag Archives: self mastery

Stress: A Second Look at Public Enemy Number One

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Stree: Public Enemy No. 1

These days, stress seems to have attained the special honor of being named society’s Public Enemy Number One. It causes unhealthy weight gain, high blood pressure, prevents the body from repairing and regenerating, prevents a good night sleep, and has other negative effects besides. For many people, life has ended up being a story with two possible outcomes: either they find a way to live a stress free life and end up happy, or they don’t and never get a chance to enjoy their lives. But what if I told you that stress plays an important, even vital, role in helping you live your fullest life?

Stress, Yes…But What Kind?

This has been a subject of much scrutiny in the scientific world. Psychologists, physiologists and athletes have all done vast amounts of research on stress and how it effects people, how to cope with it, and how it can be used to our benefit. One of the important things to understand here is that there is more than one kind. Some do more harm than good, but you are ultimately in charge of whether or not something is going to benefit you. What I want to do here is give you the knowledge that you need in order to make stress of any kind work for you.

“Good Stress”

Lets start with eustress. Eustress is what you experience from an exciting situation, that puts spark in your life and makes you feel good and alive. Roller coaster rides, scary movies, adventures and things of that nature are examples of eustress. Its easy to see how this kind of stress is beneficial, so make the most of it when you can.

Acute Stress

Acute stress is another kind of stress that is experienced naturally throughout life. This kind is a reaction to a surprise that needs a quick response. For instance, someone jumps out and scares you and you either punch them, freeze, or run for your life. It is one of the least damaging types which is good because we encounter it regularly. It occurs when you encounter a perceived threat, either physical, emotional or psychological. Under normal circumstances, once the “threat” is dealt with, the stress response goes away and everything resolves itself in your mind and body.

“Bad Stress”

Chronic Stress is where it gets juicy. This is the kind that causes the weight gain, the insomnia, the weakened immune system, physical pain, and mental exhaustion. Chronic stress, as the name suggests, is a state of constant stress. Repeatedly facing stressors that seem inescapable or unchangeable is what causes this. Having a job that you hate, or a home life that drains you are examples of chronic stressors. This is probably the most damaging kind of stress.

Hormesis

Hormesis is most closely associated with exercise. This is what occurs when you put stress on your body and it responds by becoming more resilient. This is the kingpin to the point I want to make here. A hormesis like response can take place with any of the above mentioned stressors. Your mind and body can adapt and overcome the stressors they encounter. In fact, it WILL adapt, and develop its own ways of coping with whatever stress it is facing.

Unlike with hormesis, however, the adaptation may not produce resilience unless you step in and choose what kinds of coping mechanisms and defenses to put in place. Your mind and body, on their own, will tend to choose the path of least resistance, and that may not be the most beneficial path. For instance, with chronic stress you may end up with a drinking habit, or abusing your family and friends in a subconscious effort to deflect and numb yourself to the stress you are encountering. That’s part of the power of self mastery. Not only can you choose healthier coping mechanisms, you can choose ones that actually make your stronger and more resilient.

A Warrior in a Garden

So…wouldn’t it still be better to eradicate stress from my life entirely, instead of learning how to work around it? My argument would be “no”. You can never create a life that is completely stress free because there will always be circumstances that you cannot control, and they vastly outnumber the ones you can control. In order to live your fullest life, you have to get good at managing stress, and not only that, but turn it into a springboard that will launch you into success and fulfillment. Better to become someone who uses stress to become strong than merely learn to manage it, let alone just hope that you can turn your life into a stress-less one. “It is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war.”

Make Stress an Asset

Alrighty, brass tacks. How can you make stress an asset? First, understand that humans really only grow and develop through adversity. Stop thinking of everything that is giving you a hard time as being “bad”. Every time you feel stressed out, it is an opportunity to practice self mastery, and get to know yourself better. Take an objective look at what’s going on, and simply accept it. It’s not bad, it just is. Use the mindfulness techniques that you’ve hopefully been practicing. Maybe do a little introspection. Every chance you get to know yourself better is gold. Here is a good Health Line article about the benefits of stress. Multiple views are always good!

“Search Your Feelings”

Second, know that stress is an indicator. It’s there for a reason. Pay attention to your feelings and emotions and figure out exactly what they are telling you. What exactly is stressing you? Why is it stressing you? What are you going to do about it? You don’t have to sit there and take the punches; you can fight back, or step out of the ring, or whatever you want to do. It’s your life, and you don’t need to be hemmed in by the imaginary fences that people tell you you need to be hemmed in by.

Take Action

Start brainstorming and strategizing; talk to the people in your life who are key individuals in the circumstances that are stressing you. Your boss if work is stressing you, or your spouse if it’s your home life. If you aren’t hearing it yet…take action. Get a life coach to help you get things sorted and start moving toward a more fulfilling life. You can even drop me a note here or on social media and I can be that coach for you.

Don’t be Hatin’

Every time you experience chronic stress, you’ve been given a chance to upgrade your life. It may not be easy, and it may require sacrifice, but you can effect changes that will make you stronger and your life more fulfilling. Don’t hate the stress, and don’t fear it…use it.

The Power of Freedom through Self Mastery!

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Freedom or License

Freedom is an oft’ misunderstood concept, especially in the USA, where I live. It seems like most people understand “freedom” to mean that they can do whatever they want without consequences. They can say something, because they have the freedom of speech, and no one can do anything to retaliate to what they say. If they have a right to do something, then there is no right or wrong time to do it.

What is Freedom

I disagree with that position, both on when it is appropriate to exercise a freedom or right, and what freedom actually means. Freedom is having the ability to do, think, or say what you want, without hindrance. Two things can keep someone from being free: the laws of the State they live in, and their own capabilities. One of those things is circumstantial, the other is everything to do with you, and that is what we are responsible for day to day. I also want to say that I think that no one should be subject to their circumstances. To keep things relatively simple though, I’m only going to discuss what you can do with your own self.

Self Mastery

True freedom means that you must be the master of yourself. If you don’t, then you can only do what your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self will allow, and that will put a cap on your full potential. Neither you nor your family, nor the world can afford that! True freedom requires self mastery, self mastery requires you to “know thyself”, knowing thyself isn’t possible without knowing how to listen to yourself, and mindfulness is how you listen to and get to know yourself.

Physical Self Mastery

I’ve already written about mindfulness, so I want to write an overview of the 4 aspects of the self. First, and most obvious, is your physical body. Mastery of your body means making sure that your body is fit and functional and able to perform as you wish it to, inasmuch as you are capable. Do you want to be able to play and wrestle with your children, hike and climb, participate in martial arts, feel your best, live a long time and feel good all the while? This is where mastery of your physical self comes into play. Don’t let your body be a cage, it is meant to be a vehicle. Some things you can do begin mastering your physical self:

  • Eat right. Your diet is the determining factor for how far you can go with your physical and mental health
  • Exercise. Your body was made to move, so move it!
  • Practice good hygiene. Being clean is important for health, not just for appearances sake.
  • Stretch. Your level of flexibility is a real limiter on how useful your body is to you. Make sure you can use its full range of motion!

Mental Self Mastery

The second aspect of yourself is your mind, your intellectual self. Mastery of your mind means keeping it sharp and able to problem solve, think critically, and remember things. Brain function is vital if you want to live your fullest life. Without the ability to use your mind effectively, you cannot plan and build the life you want. Learning strategy, time management, planning, and having the ability to learn well makes you more valuable to yourself, and gives you the ability to not only be free, but stay free. Here are some things you can do to sharpen your mind.

  • Eat right. Your brain health is just as dependent on the food you eat, as it is on exercising it.
  • Play brain games. Your brain is like a muscle, if you use it and practice with it, it will grow and get stronger.
  • Meditate. By now, it is common knowledge that meditating is one of the best things you can do for your mental and emotional health.
  • Continue education. There is never a reason to stop learning. There are countless free college courses online, books to read, and websites dedicated educating the masses for free. Your brain likes this.

Emotional Self Mastery

Your emotions are the next part of yourself that requires you to master it in order to be truly free. Emotions are important, they give you valuable information on what is going on around and within you, and sometimes even what is going on around and within other people. But as helpful as emotions are, people tend to be enslaved by them instead of using them to their benefit.

Many people helplessly and thoughtlessly react to what they feel instead of evaluating the emotion and thinking through the best way to respond to it. This leads to your emotional life being hectic and confusing instead of peaceful and enlightening. Aside from learning how to respond healthily to your emotions, you can also learn to cultivate emotions that are happier and more peaceful. You can choose how to feel about the things that happen to you. Some ways to begin mastering your emotions:

  • Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness helps you to take a step back and observe yourself and your feelings without passing judgment or reacting too quickly. It also creates a general attitude of peacefulness which is helpful when experience volatile emotions.
  • Keep the other three aspects of yourself in check. If you are out of control of yourself, your emotions will go a little (or a lot) crazy. If you want your emotions to be well balanced, then all of you needs to be well balanced.
  • Cultivate healthy emotions. Train yourself to respond differently to situations that normally antagonize you.
  • Take time to really listen to your feelings when they arise. Learn to understand them. What exactly are you feeling? Why are you feeling this way? What does that mean about you?

Spiritual Self Mastery

Finally your spiritual self. Mastery of your spiritual self means keeping yourself clean inside. Do not do things that damage your conscience. Practice kindness and compassion, be honest and truthful even to your own hurt. Develop your own rules for life, some people call this a code, or their principles, and stick to them. If you are struggling against your nature, or constantly doing things that make you feel bad, how can you say that you are free? If you are religious or have deeper, mystical ideals of spirituality, as I do, then don’t neglect that aspect of your spiritual self either. Here are a few ways to master your spiritual self:

  • Honor your conscience. If it feels wrong, learn why, and if it holds up, then don’t do it.
  • Be truthful and honest. Freedom cannot be found in lies.
  • Practice kindness and compassion. If you cannot be kind or compassionate, then you are a slave to some darker side of yourself.
  • Feed the spiritual side of yourself. If your faith requires prayer, then pray. Immerse yourself in your spiritual life.

True Freedom

These four aspects of yourself determine how free you truly are. Become the master of each of them, and that is true freedom. It’s a never ending process, so it’s ok to start small and gain momentum over time. Just begin to work on one aspect, and you’ll notice that each aspect helps the others. If your work on your mental self, it will be easier to master the other 3 etc… It is hard work, but what is more valuable than your freedom?

The Might and Majesty of Mindfulness in Everyday Life

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Why Mindfulness

A mindfulness practice is one of the most beneficial things that someone could develop in their lives. In my own experience it has been an excellent foundation upon which I have been able to build many other skill related to self mastery. Introspection, combating anxiety and depression, and controlling volatile emotions such as anger and envy, to name a few. It is also good in and of itself. It brings more enjoyment to the little things in life. If you struggle to “smell the roses” along the way, a mindfulness practice will help with that too.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is the art of being fully present in the present moment. The ability to notice everything going on around and within you without passing judgment on it. I think many people associate mindfulness with sitting and meditating, and that is definitely one way to do it, and probably the method I would recommend for someone to start practicing, but the important thing about a mindfulness practice, and what makes it so powerful and useful, is that it can be done anywhere at anytime, no matter the situation.

For a deep dive into mindfulness as it relates to positive psychology, take a look at this in depth article by positivepsychology.com

How to Do It

If you have never practiced mindfulness, I suggest dedicating between 5 and 10 minutes to sit and practice every day until until you can make it a whole 10 minutes comfortably. In my own experience, I find that it is extremely easy to lose track of time. I recommend that you set a timer with a pleasant sound to let you know when your time is up. For your first few times, try this method.

  • Sit comfortably with your eyes closed in a quiet room by yourself
  • Breath in slowly and comfortably through your nose, and out through your mouth, lips slightly pursed
  • Follow your breath as it enters your nose, feel it on the inside of nostrils, as it hits the back of your, as it travels down your into your lungs
  • Feel your lungs expanding, and imagine your breath filling your with life
  • Now follow your breath back out your mouth
  • Imagine that your are expelling stagnant air that has been replaced with fresh life giving air
  • Keep this up for 10 breaths or so
  • Now start to expand your attention to your experiences
  • How are you feeling? Then acknowledge those feeling, without judging them as good or bad
  • Now pay attention to the parts of your body that are in contact with the ground and/or your chair, notice the weight distribution, how they feel, and try to release any tension in these areas
  • Feel the air on your skin. Even in a still, quiet room, the air is always moving no matter how gently. Try to feel that movement.
  • Start listening. First pay attention to sounds in the room, then outside the room, then outside the house and as far as you can hear. Once you’ve noticed as much sound as you can, try to listen to each of those sounds at the same time. Don’t try too hard though, you’re simply trying to expand your awareness and ground yourself in the present moment. If you get distracted or irritated, just go back to your breath, follow it in and out again.
  • Eventually, try to hear everything, feel everything, and notice your feelings with equal attention. Even if you can just achieve that for a fraction of a second, then go back to your breath. The goal is to try to maintain that attention for as long as possible, but without undue stress. If its stressing you, or frustrating you, then just go back to your breath.

Remember that the act of practicing is the success. How far you get, and how long you can maintain your attention is all secondary.

The “Monkey Mind”

The biggest struggle that you are likely to encounter is taming the “monkey mind”. The monkey mind refers to an undisciplined mind whose thoughts run rampant and unchecked, causing distractions and making mindfulness difficult. This is where everyone starts, so don’t get discouraged if you just cannot calm down your mind. Just stop, smile, and try again later! Ideally, we could sit and focus only on what we are experiencing in the exact moment we exist in. Our minds, however, are easily distracted, and the modern world we live in is literally designed to keep us focused on something new every second.

Effort is the Enemy

So what happens when we try to simply exist in the present moment and not think about anything but our current experience? Our mind thinks about the past, worries about the future, tries to problem solve, or just daydreams. That is why, the fundamental rule for mindfulness meditation is to focus on our breath. If thoughts get overwhelming and a simple acknowledgment doesn’t calm them down, focus back on your breath. If it gets too frustrating, simply call it for the day and try again tomorrow! Effort is the enemy of meditation. Don’t force anything.

Casual Mindfulness Everyday

As you get better at your mindfulness practice, you will be able to do it while working, while having a conversation, driving to work or being stuck in traffic or anytime where you need to ground yourself and get control of your thoughts and emotions. For instance, something happens that makes you angry. Before you react, acknowledge the feeling and let it pass. Realize that you exist beyond your feelings, and that the action that caused your emotional reaction is already in the past, and the present moment is a whole new experience. Most of human experience is reactionary, but a mindfulness practice helps you master yourself and make deliberate choices, instead of simply being a slave to your gut reaction.

Go forth, and be present!

Self Development Might be Ruining You. Make Sure It’s Not!

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Discovery and Practice

Here you are, reading and learning to better yourself. Good on you! Now, exactly how are you applying what you are reading? What changes have you made in your life, based on what you’ve learned about self development? For many of us, it’s easy to read excellent books, listen to amazing podcasts, and discover powerful, life changing tactics. The problem is, we seldom get further than the discovery phase.

I can read something, and just because I now possess that knowledge, I think that I have a handle on its application. This isn’t just a harmless miscalculation. Undermining the importance of putting self development practices into action makes us feel more secure than we are.

“How far have I come?”

As we go along learning and thinking that we are changing, eventually we’ll look at our lives and ask, “How far have I come since I started?” Then we realize… I am still sleeping in every day, I still don’t consistently work out, I still eat food that I shouldn’t, I still have that same attitude problem etc… The next thought is either, “this self development stuff is a sham, it doesn’t work”, or we start justifying being the worst versions of ourselves. Or, even worse, we turn against ourselves. We start condemning ourselves for being too stupid, too lazy, too anything. and then we begin the decent into depression and self loathing.

So, why do we default to learning without doing? It seems like the motivation is there, we’re excited about it, we want to improve ourselves, so what happens?

Habits, habits, habits…

Habit forming is a notoriously difficult task. Usually we not only have to build a good habit, but we also have to break an old habit. Sometimes we have to break more than one old habit, just to get one good habit made! Humans, by default, take the path of least resistance. Coincidentally, that is where we’ll find most of our bad habits hanging out. Good habits are almost always going to be things that go against our energy efficient (lazy) nature. They also take something like 3 whole weeks of consistent practice to solidify. So we are already running into time commitment issues, being forced out of our comfort zones, and doing harder things than we want to do in an already stressed out life.

One Step at a Time

One habit is relatively simple to take on. What derails a lot of people is trying to tackle multiple large habits at once! Instead of trying to change your diet, start cold showering, work out, read before bed, and build a morning routine all at once…just start with one thing and master that. Then move on. Life isn’t a race. It’s important to give ourselves grace as we go about changing our lives. Otherwise we’ll hit a wall and burn out. As long as you are even 1% better today than you were yesterday, then you are improving! And really, what’s the hurry? No one is ever going to be the perfect human, so why rush to an unreachable destination? Be patient with yourself, even if no one else is.

For more on habit formation and how to break old habits, check out this article from Psychology Today!

Patience, My Friends

Remember, it really is more about the journey than the destination. The road is where all the lessons live. So, work hard and smart, don’t bite off more than you can chew, and be kind to yourself. Patience is the secret to improvement.

Harness the Power of Introspection for a Great Life

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The Journey Inward

Ah, introspection; the journey inward. A quest whose ending promises the fountain of youth, but whose path is beset with terrors and misery beyond imagining. While on my own journey inward, I’ve always been amused and confused by the fact that even in the privacy of my own thoughts, free from the judgments of anyone else, I am sometimes too scared to be honest with myself. What makes that even more frustrating, is that the truth that I am trying to face is actually hidden from myself, within myself. Explain that one, right?

What is Introspection?

So, maybe you’ve never really been introduced to the concept of introspection. Well, allow me the honor! Introspection is the art of looking inward and observing your own thoughts, emotions, desires, and intentions and understanding why they are there, without judging what you find. It is the art of knowing yourself, and being comfortable alone in your own company. In my opinion, this is one of the greatest skills to develop. Unfortunately, it is also one of the more difficult skills to develop, because of the amount of patience and humility it requires.

Why be introspective?

Why might you want to learn to master introspection? First and foremost, introspection is how you build a healthy, honest relationship with yourself. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation upon which you must build the rest of your life! Everything depends upon it. So many people have horrible relationships with themselves. People hate themselves, fear themselves, or don’t even have a clue who they really are. Introspection is how you fix that, get to know yourself for who you really are, and learn to love and accept that person.

As you get to know yourself better, you also become more familiar with the inner workings of everyone else. It might come as a bit of a surprise, but as different as everyone is from everyone else, they are also incredibly similar; maybe more similar than they are different. As you begin to understand why you do and say certain things, or how and why something makes you feel a certain way, you will find yourself able to predict and understand the reactions of other people as well. This can be used to help people or hurt them, and that is ultimately up to you.

Another great reason to be introspective is that self knowledge leads to self mastery. Instead of running on auto pilot and reacting automatically to your world, you can choose your reactions. For instance, even though you just got cut off in traffic, and it truly was the other guys fault and you have every reason to be angry, you don’t need to be. It is now just an event that you can observe almost from a third person perspective, and choose how you react to it.

Take Responsibility

Being yelled at by your wife, husband, boss or parents is now just an event, and you alone are the one in charge of how you respond to it. Now, the drawback here is that if you are the type of person who uses their circumstances as an excuse for bad behavior, you no longer have that leg to stand on, and you become completely responsible for all of your actions, thoughts and feelings. That’s where the humility comes in.

Self mastery through introspection can make an incredible impact on your relationships too. As you learn about yourself you will start to see your bad behaviors, nasty habits, and selfish ways more clearly. A blessing and a curse to be sure, because as painful and unpleasant as it is to be faced with those aspects of yourself, it also gives you the opportunity to change and become better, and right wrongs that have been done. That’s where the patience comes in, because you will fail over and over again on your way. Don’t give up! Failure is not the end, it is only one more milepost on the road to where you want to be.

Be mindful

Getting to know yourself well, and not judging yourself are two different things. That is why I highly recommend a guide to help you through this process. Having a trusted friend who you can be open and vulnerable with, who will be honest with you, and can see you from an unbiased perspective will help tremendously. It is important not to get lost in your dark side and become despairing. A good thing to do is be mindful and to take a step back; just observe yourself, your emotions, and thoughts. And accept everything you see. No matter how vile it is, it is neither good nor bad, just information. Your job, once you see it, is to find out why it’s there, not attack yourself over it.

Now that you know a little about introspection, what it can do for you, and some of what to watch out for, how to begin?

Tips and Tricks

  • Begin a mindfulness meditation practice. Taming the “monkey mind” is exceptionally helpful when it comes to observing without judging. The “monkey mind” is a Chinese phrase that refers to the restless, overexcited mind whose thoughts keep coming unbidden and uncontrollable.
  • Pay close attention when you react strongly to something either positively or negatively, and get used to asking yourself why you’re initial reaction is whatever it is.
  • Start journaling. Writing down your feelings and thoughts about events that happened throughout the day and exploring your reactions is very revealing and helpful. Chase the “why”. Something happens and you feel happy. Why? Because of “a”. Why does “a” cause that feeling? Keep up this self interrogation until it bottoms out. You can also use this to examine the past and glean insights from events that are already come and gone. It can be a bit harder, but it also is great practice in learning to master your emotions.
  • Start taking responsibility for your emotions and responses to things. Really come to grips with the fact that you are completely, one hundred percent in control of your reactions, and that nothing and no one can make you feel or respond a certain way.

As a Man Thinketh

A book that I read that I highly recommend to everyone is called “As a Man Thinketh” by James Allen. It’s one of the few books that I have read multiple times. It focuses on your thoughts and how they shape your life. Excellent for anyone looking to get started on their introspection journey.

You got this!

Do not fear your inner self! They alone hold the keys to freedom and happiness for you. It is time to dig deep and get to “know thyself”, so that you can become the fullest version of you. Get on it!